So T and I are happily walking down the beach in Sanur when suddenly a woman materializes out of nowhere and starts talking to him as we walk. Just as quickly, another woman pops out and starts speaking to me. They are charming Balinese women, asking all the typical questions about where we’re from, how long we’ve been married, whether we have kids…and giving us hilarious answers like “You still practicing for kids! You come to Bali to practice kids!”

The woman speaking to me is named Grow (or pronounced Grow, anyway) and she tells me she also has no kids, but she is either too old or too sick to have them (I’m unclear which). We’re walking along, and it’s obvious these women have some kind of agenda other than finding out more about our fascinating lives, but we’re not sure what. Then, we pass the market. Grow suddenly grabs my arm and veers down the long corridor of shops. T’s friend does the same with him, taking him down the other side. Grow brings me into her shop, and T is ushered into one across the way.

This is Seller’s Step 1: Separate. I am left alone in the shop with Grow as she immediately starts putting sarongs and other clothes on me, thrusting more and more stuff into my hands. I had planned on buying a sarong anyway, so I let her do it. I find the one I wanted, and one for our friend Cara, and I’m feeling okay about my performance thus far. Grow refuses to give me a price, however, and will only tell me “I give you good price, I give you good price.”

T suddenly appears in the shop, looking very disdainful. He is giving me the stinkeye as Grow searches for more stuff to sell us, and mouths the words “We have to buy from her, too”, nodding toward the door, where his woman is standing, calling “Tim, I still here!”

Buyer’s mistake number one, caused by seller’s step one. Every time I try to get close to T to discuss whether I should buy them, Grow jumps in between us with a Bintang beer shirt or another sarong. She is clutching the two sarongs I said I would buy when she tells me to sit down. Like a dog, I do. T is giving me the stinkeye of death by this point, and between Grow’s woeful eyes and his burning eyeballs, I feel like I might pass out.

Grow kneels down beside me and gives me a price for the two sarongs: 650,000 rupiah. People, 650,000 = $65. FOR TWO SARONGS. At this point, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, because she’s really desperate to sell these, and T’s about ready to explode in a fiery rage. I think I have misunderstood her, and I look at T. He mouths, “That’s $65″ and I tell Grow no way. We then begin the bargaining.

Seller’s step two: make use of deep dark eyes and practice near-crying. Also, practice Oscar worthy performance of asking stupid white girl to buy sarongs for 100 times their actual value without laughing. Buyer’s mistake two: buy into the deep dark eyes and near crying.

And so we continue the dance, and I say to her, “We won’t pay more than 20,000,” which I know is more than these things cost, but I figure $20 isn’t too disgustingly outrageous to pay. She keeps up with the “Please, 500,000 rupiah, for my good luck”, and clinging to my arm. Finally, we get down to 200,000 and we leave, with Grow looking forlorn, like I just set her entire store on fire, and T glaring at me, saying “She made a killing!”

And then we have to go across the street to buy from T’s friend, practicing the age-old Hmong adage, YOU BUY FROM HER, YOU BUY FROM ME. In the end, we spent way more than we should on a t-shirt and 2 sarongs, but the upside is that every time we see something expensive now, we say, “It’s cheaper than two sarongs!” And also, I have become a masterful bargainer in Ubud, buying things for way less than they’re willing to sell. I am drunk with bargaining power.

$65. That Grow was good, man.