For years, I have ridden the Fung Wah bus between NYC and Boston in abject terror, wondering whether everyone in China drives like that, at mach 10 with a cell phone attached to their ears, screaming in Mandarin as they veer from lane to lane. Beijing traffic was surprisingly sedate, so I wondered if it was just the Chinese in America.

It isn’t. There are moments in travel when you think, Yes! I am a genius! I can travel for the rest of my life and I won’t ever regret it! These are usually moments when you are lying on a beach, sipping a margarita. Then there are moments when you think JesusMaryandJosephwhatthehellwasIthinkingtakingthistripIcouldbeonmycouch
rightnowwatchingtheDailyShowandeatingAnniesmacaroniandinsteadIamgoingtodie
rightnowandnoonewilleverknow. During these moments, your life begins to flash before your eyes, and instead of stopping at the parts when you looked really good lke high school or your wedding day, you are stuck in junior high when you had glasses, braces and a hideous Sun-in mullet (shut up, it was the 80s). These are often moments when someone else is driving.

We had one of these moments in Chengdu with our taxi driver. Thinking we were supremely clever, we eschewed our hostels taxi service because it would have cost 70 yuan and our taxi in was only 48. Our first taxi refused to take us to the airport, so we gladly popped into the second.

I spent the first half of the ride trying to detangle the snarls from my hair, so I was distracted and didnt notice the outrageous speed at which we were traveling. Unfortunately, I detangled it all before the ride ended and started paying attention. We were weaving in and out of lanes, around rickshaws and motorbikes in alleys and spending a great deal of time in oncoming traffic while we were in town. Then we got on the highway, where the driver increased his speed to 140km/h, which to the Yanks is 90mph. I would like to add that there were no seatbelts in the back seat, so I was gripping the door handle with enough force to break a bone. The best part was when there was traffic in the right and left lanes, so the driver decided to pass them both on the SHOULDER. I was giving T looks that would melt his brain (because its obviously his fault that we ended up in a taxi with a psychopath) and it was the first time of the trip that I thought it might have been prudent to just stay home, especially when the bill came to 65 yuan.

The second experience we had like this was also in a taxi, going to the Shanghai airport for our flight to Bangkok. The taxi picked us up at the Holiday Inn, and started out okay. Then when we got onto the highway, he too started driving like a maniac. So, I started sticking my face right behind his head to see how fast he was going. I thought I unnerved him, because he slowed down to a reasonable speed. Then, he slowed down even more, to the point where we were going about 35mph on the highway, and everyone else was going 70. I might add that we were in the passing lane, for some reason I don’t understand. Then, the car started to jerk, and would speed up, then lurch back down again. T and I thought we were running out of gas, but now were pretty sure he was just screwing with us. We managed to jerk our way to the airport, when the driver emerged with a giant smile to help us with our bags. Dude, are you kidding me?!

With a little bit of practice, these guys could be the star drivers for the Fung Wah. All they need now is the phone.