We leave Bombay in the very early morning for our flight to Cochin, cruising through the darkened streets. People sleep outside their shops, all lined up next to each other on thin mats. I start to think how unsafe it must be to sleep outside, but then realize that if everyone is sleeping outside, then it must be okay.

Our flight arrives at 8am and I immediately relax. The airport is tiny, with almost no one around, and there is a prepaid taxi stand. We pay to go to Fort Cochin and get in the back of the Ammbassador cab. The ride takes ages, but I dont mind, because I have the windows open and I can breathe in all the thick tropical air and look at the scenery.

We decided to go to Kerala because we repeatedly heard how nice it was. Kerala was Indias first socialist state, and also has a 92% literacy rate. Socialism + literacy = fun times! Cochin is outrageously green, with swaying palm trees and surprisingly little curbside trash. I give it my highest compliment when we are walking around town: it looks like Laos. The Fort Cochin area has wide, empty streets with colonial buildings and a canopy of green overhead.

At the far end of town, there are Chinese fishing nets dangling over the sea, and T and I take a walk past them and the men asking us to check out their fish. We walk along the water and I start to breathe more deeply, the way I always do when I am near the sea. We sit for ages on the rocks and watch the waves roll in, and try to eat our ice cream before it melts all over us, which is far easier for T than for me. On the way back to the hotel, a group of boys asks to take a picture with us, and we end up in yet another stranger’s photos. The best thing about the proximity to the water is the seafood, and our first night in town I eat chili garlic prawns that are so good, they almost make me cry. Another day, we sit at a waterside cafe and watch some dolphins frisking in the water as we drink lime juice.

The one problem with Cochin is the humidity. When we told our friend Deepak from Dharamsala that we were going to Kerala, his eyes widened and he told us it would be hot and sultry. Later, we laughed at the word sultry, but he was exactly right. Cochin was H-O-T. Our guesthouse, the Padikkal Residency, is nice enough, though too expensive for the basic amenities it offers. We have a big room without A/C, and at night, we stick to our flat pillows and have trouble sleeping.

Another thing I love about Cochin is the kids everywhere. They run around in the afternoon in their little school uniforms and beg me to take their pictures. What can I say? I can never refuse an adorable child. Most of the kids in the Fort Cochin area seem to to go to the Catholic Church, but we also see Muslim and Hindu kids out on the streets as well. The kids at the guesthouse are similarly adorable, calling out LOOK! LOOK! when we come back, wanting to show us the henna tattoos their mother did on their hands. The older one tells me quite seriously, FISH, or MONKEY, as he points to the designs. In response, I ooh and aah. The best thing these kids do is when we come back on Saturday at about 10pm and they are running loose in the house. The older boy, who is about six, is dancing around all over. I am surprised they are still awake, and the boy sings out I DON’T SLEEP UNTIL TWO! T and I are shocked and ask when he wakes up. His father, looking exhausted, answers, eight, as he rolls his eyes.

Cochin is full of Christians, to the extent that many of the rickshaws have JESUS emblazoned on the front of them. On the other hand, there is also a Jew Town. I say this not because I am racist, but because it is the name of the neighborhood, and to prove it, I have pictures. T and I walk down to Jew Town one day to wander the narrow streets looking for some spices. The shop owners are highly solicitous, and many of them try to lure me into their stores to buy clothes or jewelry, even though I have repeatedly walked by and told them no already. We cant go into the synagogue in Jew Town because I am dressed like a skanky American (it is too hot to wear clothing with sleeves, and I also have shorts, which means my shoulders and knees are all exposed, which makes me a big white slut).

In Jew Town, we stop to get some drinks and the owner orders me a vanilla milkshake. It is the best vanilla milkshake I’ve ever had; so good that I have to order two. We also end up buying tickets for the kathakali performance that night, because the owner promises us front row seats and we havent seen any local performances in ages. The owner is a liar, because when we arrive that night, we are in row 8 out of about 10. And the kathakali is painful to see and hear. In a nutshell, it’s mime with eardrum-breaking cymbals and cool makeup. The makeup takes about an hour, and for the second hour, we are left to listen to the CHANG CHANG CHANG of the cymbals, and we leave with agonizing headaches and a vow to never see local arts ever again. EVER.

The worst thing about Cochin is the heat, which is humid and sticky and causes me to sweat like a hog in heat (do hogs in heat sweat a lot? If so, then consider me one. If not, find another sweaty animal for comparison). People start to stare at me and say, So hot when I stagger over to speak to them. So, it turns out Deepak was partially right, though I would definitely say that Cochin was more sweaty than sultry.

I forgot to mention one important thing about Udaipur. One day T and I
 walked down to the boat jetty, just for the sake of it. When we gt
 there, there was a band from Ahmedabad, all dressed in Rajput traditional
 costume hanging out by the water. Inside the gates of the City Palace,
 people were getting elephants ready for a procession, presumably for the
 ministers daughter's wedding. After standing around for a while, we
 started walking back up the hill to town.

As we were walking, a couple with a baby appeared. The wife walked up
 to me and handed me her baby. Here, take it, she said, planting the
 little boy on my hip. I stopped for a second and looked down at the
 adorable child, who must have been a little more than a year old. Then I
 thought, I could run away with this kid right now! I didn't because A: I was
 wearing flipflops and who can run in those? B: I am scared of Indian
 jail and C: Kids wake up so early, yo. So instead I stood there like a
 fool, holding on to the little boy as the wife stood next to me and the
 husband took the picture. In response, T took a picture of the three of
 us, but unfortunately the wife took her son back so you cant see me
 awkwardly holding him, trying to plan my escape. Please admire my
 restraint.

When our train pulled into Udaipur, the two men in our cabin started telling us about tourism in India. Jaipur is beautiful, yes, but Udaipur is the most beautiful place in India. Mmm-hmm. We believe you. We read the book. We ALREADY KNOW!

What we didn’t already know was just how pretty it would be. Our rickshaw driver took us to our hotel just as kids were going to school; we passed kids in red and white uniforms and girls with long braids tied in circles, so that their droopy braids were held up by perky red bows. I liked Udaipur already.

And then we got to the hotel. As the second hotel on the crab-free plan, the Krishna Niwas was even more expensive than we planned, but we needed a place to stay. As we checked in, I sat on a bench, riveted by the paintings on the ceiling. All along the perimeter of the ceiling and the walls were delicately painted flowers in red and blue and gold. The owner of the hotel told us that he painted them himself. I can’t imagine how long it must have taken him to paint every room and the atrium and the stairs, but it was worth it, because the hotel was stunning.

And then there was the roof deck. We went up for breakfast, which was brought to us by a waiter at the neighboring hotel. We sat in the scorching sun and ate toast, while looking at the two Udaipur palaces in the lake and the third, perched on a hill. The views only got better at night, when we went to dine twice at the neighboring hotel. On one night, we got there just before sunset, when the sun sank into the distant hills, turning the sky a bruise color before the hotel lights across the canal twinkled on, sparkling in the water. And, during this lovely meal, we ate my new favorite dish, masala papad (pappadum with something akin to our friend Ems salsa on top), and dal makhani and kadhai paneer. And things were good.

Udaipur’s old city was a delight. First, there was so little trash and feces on the street that I could wear flipflops and my feet rejoiced at seeing the sun again. Second, the old city is a maze of tiny alleys and twisting roads, winding around and around. On our first day, we walked around and got lost in the little streets, as shopkeepers languidly waved hello and children ran up to shake our hands and run away. Third, there was no staring in Udaipur. It was like a gift from God. Instead, people were sunny and friendly and the kids were adorable, approaching us and saying Pen? Chocolate? Ten rupees? We had no pens or chocolate and they didn’t look as if they needed 10 rupees, but it was incredibly endearing nonetheless. Fourth, good food in Udaipur. I love you, masala papad! Fifth, great shopping. I bought some cute leather shoes for $5 each. Because they were so cheap, I got two pairs! There were also Ganesh statues everywhere, t-shirts on every corner, and the ubiquitous pashminas. Finally, they had the world’s cutest donkeys.

The bad thing was that we arrived just in time for the wedding of the power minister’s daughter. Rumor had it that they had rented out the entire hotel at the Lake Palace and were being married at the other lake palace, which meant both were closed to tourists. This depressed me until I realized that a wedding costing $20M (again, rumor) meant FIREWORKS! Both weekend nights, we ran to the roof to watch fireworks falling over the City Palace, and then, over the Lake Palace. It looked like a million stars exploding in the sky and I like to think they weren’t for the wedding; they were for us.

As T and I wandered the streets of Udaipur in the afternoons, the power
 to the town was cut for a few hours every day. Shopkeepers would sit
 in the darkened doorways of their stores, all chatting with their
 neighbors and not looking as though they were making any attempt to do any
 work. Kids ran rampant through the streets, playing cricket and chasing
 each other. T and I marveled at the fact that in India, it is not at all
 unusual to have scheduled daily blackouts, and secretly wished that
 things like that happened in America, so we could all chill out and talk
 to our neighbors. It should be noted that the power cuts did not happen
 during the weekend of the power minister's daughter's wedding. For $20M,
 you get electricity all weeekend.

Since we couldn’t get into the lake palaces, we decided to tour the City Palace. Before we went in, we sent a few things back to America under the watchful eye of a very bossy postmistress, who informed us that it could take up to a year for the sea mail to arrive. Uh, great.

The City Palace was a disappointment to me. It was a rabbit’s warren of back stairways and dingy hallways with a collection of thrown-together exhibits. Some rooms were lovely, but then they were negated by the narrow, dirty stairs we would have to navigate to escape. However, there were some good views.

One other noteworthy event happened while we were in Udaipur. I mention it not because I take pleasure in my husband’s pain, but because it was the one time I have refused sugar. We decided to buy some sweets in Udaipur, to see if we could find the delicious halwa we had in Delhi. With the sweets we wanted came some dodgy-looking brown balls that resembled doughnut holes. We tried them, and I took one bite and spent the next 10 minutes trying to wash away the taste of the bottom of a shoe. T finished mine and the other two while I munched away happily on my Cadbury bar. The next day, SOMEONE was sick and for once, it was not ME! Thank you, Jesus.

T, everyone knows you shouldn’t eat food that tastes like poop. It will never end well.

The first thing to happen in Jaipur (or on the way) was that we met a beautiful French family on the train with one Indian daughter, two African sons and a Cambodian son. Meeting these people restored my faith in France and made me a little more likely to enjoy Jaipur.

As in Agra, there was a prepaid rickshaw stand, but like everywhere else, as soon as the train arrived, rickshaw dudes were everywhere. One immediately found us and started talking, telling us that he could get a good rate and we really wanted to drive with him. I liked him; he looked like our friend Naz. Unfortunately, when we got to the pre-paid stand, his friend leapfrogged and stole the fare from him. The friend was not as likable. His name was Jimmy and he and another dude took us to the hotel in a real car, forcing us to look at Jimmy’s book of comments from tourists the whole way. When we got to the hotel, they jumped out of the car and asked if we wanted them to drive us around the next day. We politely said no and tried to walk away and Jimmy immediately got in our faces and started yelling about how we were suspicious. WHY WERE WE SO SUSPICIOUS? Yo, Jimmy. We’re suspicious because you are dodgy as hell and hey, here’s a hint: this is not the way to get customers, you obnoxious prick.

Despite our unfortunate introduction, we were still so relieved to be out of Agra that everything seemed nicer in Jaipur. And we were certainly right about our hotel. As our first hotel on the no-crab-blankets plan, the Karni Niwas was also probably our Nicest Hotel Ever, or at least since the Relax in Phnom Penh. We had an immaculate room and a BATHTUB and a human-sized bathroom with two showers. Needless to say, we slept like babies there and then awoke very late and had a lovely brunch on our veranda, basking in the sunshine and listening to the thump-squeak of the shoes of the little girl wandering the hotel, calling for her papa.

When we emerged from the hotel, we were happily walking down the road when a rickshaw driver suddenly sprung out at the end of our road. I am Jimmy’s friend, he said. Do you need rickshaw? What the FRIG?! What is Jimmy, the frickin’ CIA? No! We don’t want your stinking rickshaw, and even if we did, we certainly don’t want it now, you creepy spying freak!

Our book had said that Jaipur was a little crazy, with all kinds of people and honking cars. Sure, this is true, but this meant two things: Jaipur was not Agra; and also, Jaipur had restaurants we had heard of, like McDonald’s and Pizza Hut. Never in our lives have we been so excited to see a Pizza Hut.

But first, we walked into town. We walked down the main street, which was indeed full of honking cars and people, most of whom were staring at me, especially when I was carrying T’s camera. Apparently, the only thing more riveting than a Slutty Western Woman is a Slutty Western Woman With A Camera! Had I only exposed a little more skin, their heads would surely have EXPLODED. That would have been fun.

The walled city of Jaipur is crammed full of tiny shops, with the names of the stores painted outside, because no neon lights are allowed inside the Pink City. It is called the Pink City because the outer walls are painted a rose color, as are most of the buildings inside. Old Jaipur was another city with slowly decaying architecture that, with a little bit of restoration, could be a glorious sight.

On our first day in the city, we decided to go to the Palace. We walked through the city, where people were popping up out of every nook and cranny wanting to talk to us. One kid came to ask us about the Western world, and then spent about five minutes telling us how in the Western world, people date openly, but in India this isn’t the way. Thanks, kid! We had no idea!

The palace in Jaipur was somewhat disappointing, to be honest. After the Baby Taj and all the forts, it didn’t seem quite as majestic as the others. As soon as we walked in, there was a tiny man in a Rajput uniform who asked me to take his picture. Not wanting to be rude, I did, and then he wanted money, OF COURSE. Duh, when am I going to learn? Perhaps a better question is, when will I just be rude and save ourselves some damn rupees?

Though much of the palace seemed a little bland, parts of it were stunning. There was one building housing the textile exhibit that was as delicate as a wedding cake inside. And there was an arcade, oh God, that was just lovely. There were breathtaking paintings over every door, of peacocks and flowers and all kinds of beauty. After walking through the museum, we decided to have a snack and a drink before walking home. In the courtyard, there was a man and his son, dressed in traditional costume, playing music and dancing. We ordered Limcas and an Indian sweet which was delicious until my last bite, in which I found a hair. A short, black, kinky hair. I do not wish to discuss it further lest I retch in my mouth.

For dinner, we had Pizza Hut. I know, I know, but it had been months since we had Western food and sometimes you JUST NEED SOME PEPPERONI. It was delicious, so get over it.

I awoke for the second time to the sounds of a funeral marching through town. I ran out to our tiny porch and walked the women walking past our hotel. I have never seen such a glorious collection of color in my life. If God created color for India, then Rajasthan is the reason he created it. The women were all clad in brilliant pinks and reds and greens and yellows and purples and golds and I thanked God for letting me see this kind of vibrance, even if it is only in India.

Our second day was spent shopping. Joy had told us that Jaipur had the best shopping, so we decided to check it out. And so, we walked back and forth along the shopfronts, with people running after us, calling PASHMINAS?! BLANKETS?! SHOES?! and occasionally, to me, We have BIG SIZE! BIG SIZE! Um, thanks. You would think I was some kind of giant. Two noteworthy things happened when we were shopping; first, even more people told me I looked Punjabi. I was tremendously excited about this until I read a book that described Punjabis as “bothersome, tasteless, showy, nouveau riche, pushy people.” Oh. Perhaps not such a compliment, then. Now I am both enormous and tacky! Second, the staring continued in a highly obvious manner until I made a realization. If I walked along, not looking at the offenders, I didn’t notice the slack-jawed, bug-eyed starers, and it was like they didn’t even exist! Of course, you can hardly blame them, given that I am such a gargantuan, shameless hussy of a cheesy Punjabi.

We cracked on our third day and decided to hire the hotel’s designated rickshaw driver to take us around. We had a number of errands we had to do, and we had only one day to do it. Abdul, a round-faced, smiley man, came to fetch us and he brought us to the train station. We needed tickets from Ahmedajad to Bombay and we couldn’t get them online. So we waited, in the queue for freedom fighters, journalists and foreign tourists. Sometimes India really does crack me up.

After the train station, we needed to go to the post office (I mean, really, where else would you have the tourist rickshaw take you?). We thought the post office would be a piece of cake—get in, get some boxes for our packages, and get out. We forgot we were in India. In India, one does not buy boxes for packages. One gives one’s package to a man who wraps it in newspaper, rips off a piece of a sheet and SEWS the package inside the sheet. We had four packages (one of which was pretty big), so it took quite a while. However, watching the man sew them up was riveting. I’ve never seen someone sew so effortlessly or quickly, and our trip to the post office ended up being one of our favorite experiences in India.

Finally, Abdul could take us to do some real tourist stuff. First, he took us to see the royal cenotaphs. The tombs were made of Indian and Italian marble, and though the Italian marble structures were under construction, they were still beautiful, with local kids crawling all over and following us around, asking ten rupees? In the end, we bought them some chips and called it a day.

On the way to Amber Fort, Abdul took us for a quick stop at a palace surrounded by water. We also passed elephants with their faces painted in bright yellows and greens and pinks, returning from their days work at the Fort. They were beautiful, but there seemed something humiliating about having their faces painted that way, and it hurt my heart to think of such magnificent animals being reduced to carrying lazy tourists up a hill all day long.

The fort was lovely. We got there in late afternoon, when the sun was starting to sink beneath the nearby hills, and everything was bathed in golden light.

Perhaps because we were there so late, there weren’t too many tourists and we had the place nearly to ourselves. All to ourselves and a big gang of kids who were crazy for pictures and who would approach us shyly, asking to have their pictures taken, before running away, shrieking like banshees once the deed was done.

After the fort, Abdul took us shopping, much to T’s chagrin. First, we went to a textile factory where I bought a pashmina and some blankets. The factory, which billed itself as not being tourist-oriented despite the string of Westerners walking through, made lovely rugs as well as blankets and pashminas, and if we were rich, we would have left with a lot more.

Then he took us to a jeweler. We stopped on a side street, walked through a pitch-black courtyard and down a darkened alley to get there, with T whispering to me, We would never do this with a driver we found on the street. The jeweler was all charm, telling us his name was Chili Chocolate, and desperately trying to get me to buy more! I should buy from him, because everything in Udaipur is fake! In the end, I got some earrings and bracelets and ole Chili Chocolate made out quite well (as did Abdul, who would have got a fat commission from both places).

To ease T’s pain about our rapidly dwindling wallet, I distracted him with food. Because Abdul had to leave us at the train station and the textile factory to pray, we had him for a few extra hours, and at 8, he dropped us at Handi for dinner. Oh my GOD. It was so super delicious, I wondered why we had eaten anywhere else ever in our lives. We had our favorites, dal makhani and kadhai paneer, and we tried not to drool on the table. After dinner, we happily returned to the train station, where we boarded a second-class train with two very nice men, and I fell into a deep, deep sleep, full of dal and color and happiness.